While I lay in bed ruminating on the last 24 hours a song came to mind about the dictation of female sexuality and the unapologetic response to rules that confine it (sexuality). Madonna’s “Human Nature” was the song I couldn’t help but think about in regard to my most recent texting interaction with a man who claimed to care about me.
Cultural appropriation and wacky white woman dancing displayed in the black and white S&M leather clad video aside, the lyrical content had me thinking about the ongoing role the female spectrum body plays in a heteronormative patriarchal society. Where the body is to be viewed not by one’s self but by the male gaze and its onlookers. Where pleasure is one-sided and not fit to be enjoyed by the one providing the pleasurable content.
I remember Billie Eilish discussed how she grew her self-esteem from self-pleasure, through masturbating in front of a mirror. For many with a female spectrum body the topic of masturbation is one that is quite taboo even for myself to discuss among some of my best friends. Using silly euphemism to disguise the awkwardness of having to say I touch myself.
For the past couple of weeks I have been seeing someone that I am sexually attracted to. In a recent text conversation I told him that I masturbated to a video of myself. In response, he said,“ You masturbated to yourself ?”, I said, “Yeah”. He then responded by saying:“ Don’t you think that’s a little egotistical?” I won’t lie, I cried myself to sleep that night out of shame and embarrassment.
I struggle with conveying my emotions to men, if I feel hurt or disrespected I often talk myself out of the validity of those feelings. I gaslight and girl boss myself out of expressing my hurt and make excuses for these men. Today I sent that man a message about how that question hurt my feelings and I got the response I expected. It hit me right in the gut. His response lacked acknowledgement of my feelings and empathy with the first two letters in the sentence being “Ok”.
I honestly have no words except, I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry that I masturbated to myself. I’m not sorry that I had the courage to love myself, I’m not sorry for desiring myself through eyes that are my own.
-signed the sexiest bitch you’ll never have
FUCK YOU SARAH JESSICA!!! (IYKYK)